Wanted to just offer some points on what the matchmakers of this world should and shouldn’t do because over the last year I’ve seen a lot of strangeness that really needs to be toned down. This article relates to people approaching a sister as they have a brother in mind for her to marry…
First and foremost know that a woman who is seriously considering marriage is highly sensitive to the matter of who she gets paired up with. So if you have someone in mind for her then approach her with gentleness and kindness. If you joke with her about it then she’ll just give you back an answer filled with jokes because of the want to keep her shyness on the matter intact. If you randomly mention “hey so brother so-and-so was asking about you and I think you two should get married” whilst you and the sister are sharing ice cream and trying to get some project work done then she’ll only choke on her ice cream, think “how do I get out of this situation?”, and later try to avoid you at all costs until she’s cleared her head up… well that is if she’s sensible. If she’s a complete la-la, she’ll get all excited, jump to the chance, without realising that a) she may already be considering someone; b) the person was just thinking that but not serious enough to help in the implementation; and c) HELLO! The guy might have just been asking about you as he’s heard your name in certain gatherings and wanted your help on a project he’s doing!
So lets say that you’re all serious and you’re seriously considering a brother for this sister. The two vital questions you have to ask before anything are:
- Are you looking to get married?
- Are you considering someone at the moment?
Possible responses are as follows:
If the woman replies “no” to the first question then don’t pursue the second question as a) the woman shouldn’t get forced to consider anything if she’s already made her mind up; and b) it won’t be fair on the brother you’re thinking of pairing her up with.
2) Yes. Yes.
If she says yes to both questions then don’t pursue the proposition that you had in mind. In particular don’t say “but the guy I’m thinking of is perfect for you” or “when will you say ‘no’ to the one you’re considering?” or give out details about the guy you were thinking of out of hope that she’ll reject the one she was considering to pursue the one you’re thinking of. Did I mention that this goes against Islamic principles and if the brother is really keen then he should approach the one she is considering to ask for him to “back down” otherwise he should remain distant and not approach the woman through a medium or himself:
Ibn ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with them) reported:
3) Yes. No.
It’s only in this case should you really pursue it further – i.e. she’s looking to get married and she’s not considering anyone at the present moment of time. However, if you’re not really related to the brother and thus won’t be able to initiate anything in the first place your words then become “talk” and it’s seriously wrong for you to be approaching the sister in the first place – playing with peoples hearts without providing a safety net only results in hurt. If, however, the brother you have in mind is related to you, via family, or is close friends with someone you know who can start the initiation process then grand. May Allah provide good. Allahumma Ameen.
Disclaimer: maybe you should also ask her whether her family know that she wants to get married otherwise it’ll just be a difficult tornado to pass. Sisters, I understand it can be difficult at times to let your parents know that you’re ready to get married but seriously don’t lie to them and respect them by letting them into your thoughts. They won’t disown you for thinking “I’d like to get married now and am open to my family/friends finding me someone” and if they do then that time of being upset will pass. They will however get upset if they had no clue you wanted to get married in the first place and then one day in amongst eating the dhaal and roti you say “so abu gi and ami gi this guy called *blank* approached me yonks ago and now we’re getting married. What do you think?” because they will literally think “my daughter wanted to get married and she didn’t tell me? I thought she wanted to pursue her career/education. And now she’s also found someone?!” I understand that in some cultures parents want their children to find “the one” and then approach the parents but out of respect to them it’s also best to keep them in the loop of what’s going on in your head. That’s generic advice I suppose.
Okay sorry I went off tangent… back to the matchmakers – you need to know that you may think people are best suited to one another but when those people meet or converse they may actually have completely different thoughts on home life, schooling for children, hobbies etc. that they can’t work through and thus the “paired up individuals” may actually reject one another. This is normal and fine so don’t think that you have to be their marital counsellor to hook them back up. If it’s a “no” and upon agreement then let it be. Allah is The Best of Planners.
And for those who successfully pair a couple together in marriage then know that Insha’Allah out of His Grace your tree (or is it a house) in the Hereafter is planted and make loads of duas for the married couple. Allahumma Ameen.