On being honest when pursuing a potential

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Truthfulness leads to righteousness, and righteousness leads to Paradise. And a man keeps on telling the truth until he becomes a truthful person. Falsehood leads to Al-Fajur (i.e. wickedness, evil-doing), and Al-Fajur (wickedness) leads to the (Hell) Fire, and a man may keep on telling lies till he is written before Allah, a liar.”

[Bukhari Volume 8, Book 73, Number 116]

In a previous post I mentioned that the first few questions you should ask yourself when considering marriage is “Who am I? What are my strengths and weaknesses? What do I want to contribute to my marriage?”  Rather than the question you should ask at the end, “What do I want in a husband?

The thinking behind this is: knowing yourself helps you to be honest to your potential spouse on who you are, what you can bring to the marriage as well as what skills you don’t have (thankfully The Hubby didn’t mark me down for my inability to make big rotis… though having said that, post marriage I’ve realised, every family makes roti differently so being able to cook shouldn’t really be a biggy as you’ve got to learn a new way anyway).

From here, if your potential spouse decides not to pursue you further then Alhamdulillah you’ve been honest with yourself and he/she has the right to not pursue you further if they feel they’re not compatible with you.

The danger here (and I’ve seen and heard it all too often) is that people paint them self as the perfect picture out of fear of not being rejected. As a result, two things happen:

  1. The listener becomes disillusioned and “la la”, marries you and then is disappointed when the truth comes out; or
  2. The listener seeks references and hears something contradictory and therefore doesn’t know what to believe.

So what can you do? First, keep being honest yourself… just because the potential may be acting fake doesn’t mean you should. Secondly, remember the other person is going to get references so think of the shame you’ll feel when the referee says “he/she isn’t like that”.

Another part of being honest is that you call it an end when it is an end rather than leaving the other person “hanging”. So if someone (or better still their mahrem) has emailed you their details and is expecting a reply and you  don’t want to pursue it further then just send a courteous email saying “Thank you for taking your time to email me. However, I don’t feel we can proceed forward from here. Wish you all the best. Wasalaam alaykum wa rahmatullah”. Please don’t leave the other side hanging. It’s not fair and you know you wouldn’t like it if it happened to you. Plus you end up being labelled as “unreliable” and that’s not a nice label to have.

May Allah help us to clean our tongues and adopt sincere, honest speech. Allahumma Ameen.

This entry was posted in Marriage/Family/Society, Reflections. Bookmark the permalink.

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