On thinking you can change your potential spouse

In a previous post, I mentioned that if your potential spouse doesn’t have the one quality you can’t live without then don’t pursue him further. I’ve mentioned this to many sisters and they surprise me when they say “Oh but he can change after marriage” or “I can change him, right?”. I’m surprised because I consider these women to be clever individuals and when a man comes into the equation it’s like emotion kicks in and logic takes a back seat. I’ve got a feeling some men forget about the “bent rib” too.

Here’s the reality check:  Please don’t say “oh well he/she can change” or “I can change him/her to have this quality” because then you’re not accepting the person for who they are. Accepting your partner for who they are is really important in a marriage – I’ve yet to read a psychology book that says otherwise.

The fascinating aspect of acceptance is that when you accept your spouse you gain peace within yourself. You may also find that your partner naturally wants to please you more and therefore is more likely to look at how he/she can improve them self (without you saying anything at all)… note: this is more likely to occur when you are married to a sound person. If he/she is unsound (and you knew this before you got married to him/her) then he/she is not likely to want to change them self just because of your acceptance.

Make things easy for yourself by respecting yourself and the one quality you can’t live without in a partner – and stick to it. If you’re still adamant that you can change your potential spouse then realise you’re gambling with not just your life but their life too.

This entry was posted in Marriage/Family/Society, Reflections. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to On thinking you can change your potential spouse

  1. Halima Mufti says:

    jazakallah baji this has helped me very much … halima..

  2. Safina says:

    Well said Asma people got to think what really matter’s to them and not be so picky becaus, we are not perfect ourself and we cant expect the other half to be perfect. Like you said we have to put work into marriage and its a struggle.

  3. Ummtaaha says:

    My Dear Asma,
    Assalamualaikum wa rahamtullah wa barkatuhu,

    Was looking for something on search engine and stumbled over your blog!! MashaAllah you’ve done a wonderful job. Just wanted to stop by and tell you … its awesome, keep up the good work!

    ‘Fascinating Womanhood’ by Helen Andelin was recommended by Sh. Nuh Ha Mim Keller as a text book on marriage advice… he says 70% of its content are in line with Islamic teachings. In the very beginning Helen says, one must Respect him and Accept him. Acceptance does not mean we agree to everything they are, but we let them be as such – this concept is at the heart of a successful marriage.

    Sh. Nuh also says, “do not doubt in your potential to change a human being, so begin with yourself”.
    There is so much change wanting in this very soul, life is too short to find time for a project involing change in any other human being!

    • asmakarif says:

      Wa alaykum asalaam wa rahmatullah dearest Nausheen.

      SubhanAllah so good to hear from you. I have read that book and totally agree with all the points you have made above. May Allah make us all into good spouses. Allahumma Ameen.
      Please keep this student in your much needed duas and keep smiling!

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