From Paradise he came and returned

A week ago, on Tuesday 11th December 2012 at 1.58pm, we were blessed with a baby boy who passed away during the calm labour process. I say calm because, even after 41 weeks of a really good, normal pregnancy, I had gone into labour with the acceptance that I may not come out of it alive. My will was signed, letters to loved ones written, most of my debts cleared and those that were outstanding were written down, and instructions on how to look after Rosey were discussed.

So in my mind, the contractions were manageable, the panic on the faces of others were manageable and I calmly accepted the loss of my son even before the consultant had called it (when a mother tunes into her instincts it’s hard to be wrong)… I just needed confirmation from the consultant so that I could support The Hubby and remind him to praise God. And then against the wishes of all the medical people in that room, I delivered our baby son the way I wanted him to be delivered (naturally, peacefully, in a good warm setting, away from any medical intervention). We named him Muhammad. I held him in my arms watching him sleep and then waited for my own passing to God.

The latter part clearly didn’t happen.

I’m still here.

I’m grateful.

I’ve accepted it wasn’t my time.

One of the amazing reminders I received when we were at the hospital was from a Muslim doctor named Amal. Amal means implementation. She came in to witness there was no heart beat, looked at me with such love, recited the dua of gaining God’s Lutf (Gentleness) and left with a reassuring gaze that God was with The Hubby and I.

Her name carried on in the first phone call I had with a dear teacher of mine who called to say:

When we learn knowledge Allah trials us more so that we can actually implement that knowledge. And this is your trial which He wouldn’t burden you with if you didn’t know the knowledge to implement.

Another reassuring reminder I received was from a dear friend who reminded me my son had gone straight to Paradise and will ask for us to join him in Paradise when our time was up on this world. Our son had become our token to Paradise. What greater gift is there?

Furthermore, we were told Prophet Ibrahim (peace and blessings be upon him) looks after, plays and teaches the children who pass away in their infancy. This made me happy because as a mother I’m constantly thinking about how Rosey should pass her time in the best of ways. So knowing our son was spending it with Prophet Ibrahim (peace and blessings be upon him) just filled my heart with joy.

These were the reminders that have helped me to positively plough through each day. If I’ve cried then it’s mainly been out of feeling overwhelmed by Allah’s Love and Grace rather than being upset with His Decree. Our son is in a better place and I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s going to be a difficult journey for The Hubby and I, especially when having to deal with people who don’t share the same mentality as us, however I’m sure with the faith we do have we can get through this together.

I hope, in writing the above, I have brought some comfort to mothers who have lost their baby during labour. Comfort that I hope will help them heal and accept their situation better. And verily in the remembrance of God do hearts finds rest.

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13 Responses to From Paradise he came and returned

  1. Naima Hussain says:

    Mashallah so beautifully written. May Allah always give u so much strength! Why did you think you weren’t going to make the labour?

    • asmakarif says:

      There are three types of labouring women:
      1) The one who goes into labour ignorantly.
      2) The one who goes into labour with knowledge of the physical process but not of the spiritual.
      3) The one who goes into labour with knowledge that it’s her opportunity to meet Allah.
      We are taught that as soon as a woman becomes pregnant she should make her intentions clear and in abundance. And when she goes into labour she should intend to meet her Creator because due to this intention Allah grants her requests/prayers during her labour.
      We are also taught that the greatest form of martyrdom for a woman is to die in labour… so out of good opinion of my Creator who will answer my prayers for a good death, I pray I can die in such a state or be rewarded for the intention at least. Allah is Kind, Gentle and Generous.
      May He grant us all strength and true perception of our reality. Ameen.

  2. Rozina says:

    Subhan’Allah sis, you are an inspiration to us all.
    May Allah make this journey easy for you and IA meet your beloved son in Jannah.
    Keep being strong and keep smiling. 🙂
    Du’as with you all. xxx

    • asmakarif says:

      Alhamdulillah He has veiled you from seeing my many sins. Please keep us in your much needed duas. And for sure Keep Smiling.

  3. Sal says:

    I am sooo sorry for your loss. SubhanAllah you are such an incredible person. I miscarried during my first stage and was so lost and upset after…but that seems soo trivial now after reading what you have gone through. MashAllah such a strong person. May Allah (swt) grant you and the hubby sabr and shower you with his blessings. May He grant you the best of both worlds. Ameen xxxx

    • asmakarif says:

      May Allah take you by the hand, place peace in your heart, and grant you and your husband righteous children. Allahumma Ameen.
      Please keep this servant in your much needed duas.

  4. Aafreen says:

    Subhanallah so inspiring! May Allah give you the best of this world and Heareafter!

  5. rita george says:

    May Allah give you peace and bless you abundantly ,daughter ,your emani is a challenge and such a good example for all to follow

  6. Nafisa says:

    Mashallah sis u r definitely a strong and inspiration to all the mothers who have lost their children or had still birth I am so sorry for what has happened to u I know it’s not easy thing to go through even though Allahs love and mercy makes us a stronger deep down alhamdulilah. I too had a stillbirth at 25 weeks my baby Malaika as I named her died inside me it was difficult thing to come to terms with but hearing that our children who die r with the Prophet Ibrahim and in Jannah gave me a great peace of mind and acceptance of what had happened. Alhamdulilah all praise is to Allah. Thank you for ur amazing inspiring story it definitely gave me hope for the future may Allah reward u and ur family Inshaallah. My Dua’s are with u and The Hubby 🙂

  7. Yasin Ali says:

    My wife and I recently lost our daughter at 37 weeks. Please remember her in your duas, we named her Jannah as she is our ticket to Jannah Inshallah. This post has given me a bit more peace of mind and I will share this with my amazing wife who’s being so strong.

    • asmakarif says:

      Forgive me for the delay in reading your post. It’s important you allow yourself as well as your wife any time you need as a couple and even as individuals to do what ever it is that you (singular and plural “you”) need to do to find what ever it is that you decide to seek after this… it’s hard to put into words but I completely accept that each parent is aware of their own child and needs… especially after a stillbirth/miscarriage. I’m confident Allah wouldn’t have tested either of you with Jannah’s beautiful existence in your life if you couldn’t have bore it. Beautiful name by the way. May our son and your daughter be studying well with Prophet Ibrahim, alayhisalaam. Ameen.

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