Something strange happens when people hear about someone dying. They automatically assume the family members are going to be depressed. I accept the grieving process needs to occur for everyone that’s affected and it’ll be different for everyone who is affected, however, if it’s a blessed death (clickety click on the link) then how about being positive and sending congratulations instead?
A woman came round to give condolences for our baby son passing away to God. She asked me how I was. I replied “All Praise is to God. It’s all good.” She then asked me how it happened. I replied with a smile “God Willed it. There’s no other reason.” She then looked back at me shocked, and shouted: “You shouldn’t be happy about this. You should be depressed, feel low and sad!”
Her words, in all honesty, disappointed me… especially as I never invited her to my house. My mother looked at her as if to want to pounce on her but wisely she didn’t. Nonetheless, I’m glad this situation occurred as it made me appreciate having faith. In that moment, I realised there was no need to battle this woman as she was a small trial of mine and not part of the bigger trial of losing a baby during labour. She never carried my son for 41 weeks. She never fed him, played “kick my hand” with him, felt his movements inside of her, conversed with him, nurtured him in her womb. So maybe she would be depressed, low and sad if she lost a child but me? Nope, that attitude isn’t for me right now.
My son fulfilled his purpose – to remind us of the station God has gracefully gifted The Hubby and I. He is now being taught and entertained by Prophet Ibrahim (peace and blessings upon him). And All Praise is to God, due to my intentions to nurse our baby for two years, He has appointed a wet nurse from Paradise to nurse our son. So really, what do I need to be depressed about?
Yes this trial is hard but I know God, out of His Mercy and Generosity, wouldn’t trial The Hubby and I with anything we couldn’t bare. It’s hard battling with the fog inside of my head – the autopilot that every mother goes through with a new born – thinking “do we have enough nappies for tomorrow?”, “how long till the next breast feeding session?”, “should I put on a load of dirty baby clothes in the washing machine or can we wait a couple of days more?” only to realise these scenarios aren’t required for my actual situation.
We had geared ourselves to be a family of 4 only to come back from the hospital remaining as a family of 3 so naturally it’s going to take time to get back to our usual routine. I’m having to deal with postnatal bleeding, weakness and fatigue post delivery, “the fog”, milk being produced in my body for a baby who isn’t present, and to top it up negative support/”well wishers”. However, we are not going to complain, shriek and wail like we have lost all sense, and be depressed about a beautiful gift from God.
Most parents go through their life wishing good for their children, hoping they be someone great, and praying they enter Paradise (if they’re people of faith). The Hubby and I were saved that anxiety and instead have been guaranteed a son who is good, great and of Paradise. So really, am I going to be depressed about this?
Finally, there are many people who say good reminders but don’t really mean it. Often when people hear of a Muslim dying they will console the family by saying “It’s as God Willed it”. That’s true to say, however, if you’re going to follow up that comment with “So how did it happen?” or “Was the death caused by something you did?” then surely you’re questioning the Will of God?
Neither do I understand the follow on statement: “If God Wills, you will get a better son soon and everything will be fine” – like seriously, what’s better than Paradise? Why is there unnecessary pressure to conceive so quickly? And how does having another child makes things better? We don’t need another child to replace our son because we know our son has his own station just like any future children will have their own station.
Please look at yourself, your words and the actions that follow. If you can’t be honest then it’s best not to speak at all. Yes, people grieve differently and there’s no right or wrong way of grieving. However, please don’t be saying to me to put my faith in God and then defy that statement with a silly comment indicating I need to stop living.
To live is to be grateful to God. Being “depressed, low and sad” just isn’t for me.