I don’t feel strong. I’m just about surviving.

Friends and family have commented how strong The Hubby and I have been since the stillbirth of our son. I can’t speak for The Hubby as no doubt he has his own take on the word; but I personally don’t feel strong.

To me, “strong” would suggest I’m not having moments where I’m staring into blank space or waking up at night feeling a huge part of me isn’t present. I wish I was strong enough to not have these moments but the reality is my sleep is disturbed and I do my best to exhaust myself during the day so that I can zonk out for a few hours at a stretch before being woken up by a nightmare or that feeling of something isn’t right.

“Strong” would also suggest that I’m carrying on my daily routine, looking after Rosey, and getting on with society. Truth is, each day has its own challenges. I love being around Rosey and The Hubby as they make me feel alive. However, so far, being in the presence of anyone else makes me feel ordinary. Strange word to use, I know, but that’s how I feel and it certainly doesn’t make me feel strong. Tasks would seem mundane if it wasn’t for my faith in Islam and the knowledge that even mundane tasks can be turned into worthy acts of service towards God. I think if I didn’t have my faith I would be a moving body unable to feel anything or think properly. Each day has its challenges and I’m ploughing through.

And finally, in my mind, “strong” would suggest that every Tuesday morning I don’t wake up reliving labour day, piecing the puzzles together and trying to answer those awkward questions. It’s not like I choose to do this. It just happens. I wake up as if I’m back there again, feeling each contraction as they came, understanding and knowing his heart stopped whilst in my womb, and then having to push to naturally deliver our son. The tears flow but then I’m comforted by that reassuring, soft Yemeni voice reminding me of the dua of muraqaba (prayer of vigilance); of our son being happy in Paradise; and that all those awkward questions only have the same answer:

It is as God Decreed.

God is with me. God is witnessing me,. I am in God’s presence. God’s gaze is on me. God is near to me.

It is as God Decreed.

Then  everything becomes clear again and I’m back in my room, feeling the bed I’m curled up on, thanking God for having saved us from a greater calamity, for comforting us with His Presence, and for being The Best Guardian to look after our son.

Like I said: I don’t feel strong.

I’m just about surviving.

I’m only human.

It’s all good.

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4 Responses to I don’t feel strong. I’m just about surviving.

  1. zebi says:

    My dear sister!

    When I think about you my heart hurts and my tears flow and pray that I can make this pain go away for you.

    Going through a miscarriage myself with contractions and delivering nothing but remains of life was the hardest and lowest time of my life! That feeling of emptiness, something missing and, them awkward questions that kept going round in my head were so strong and yet knowing that how I felt is just a pinch of how you may be feeling (carrying your child for the full 9 months) is hard for me and anyone to comprehend.

    Although you may appear to be coping and trying to be strong, I know deep behind close doors a mother is hurting for the loss of her beautiful baby son!

    Our faith is a blessing and will help you through this difficult time.

    My thought are always with you x

    • asmakarif says:

      Thanks dearest. Please don’t pray for this situation to be removed from us… We wanted Paradise and God is granting us it. We are content with His Decree. Plus I’m not really in pain or turmoil about our sons passing to God. I wouldn’t give our children to anyone but to Allah … And what a Great Guardian He is. It’s all good.

      In writing this post I want people to be aware that I am not this “awe inspiring, super human” that they are making me out to be. I am human. I have tears of mercy that need to be shed. I am content with The Decree of God and there’s no buts there. I’m grateful for what’s happened as I’m learning so much and gaining perspective on things that were crowding my mind before our son fulfilled his purpose. The Hubby and I would be stupid if we didn’t apply the knowledge God has given us over the years. He placed us amongst gatherings of light/knowledge, gifted us friends to remind us of His Promises, and allowed us the capacity to use our intellect… If we didn’t use what He has gifted us we not only would be saying our years of practicing Islam were wasted but we would also be showing ungratefulness to God. And that, for sure, ain’t clever.

      May God take you by your hand dearest and shroud you in His Enabling Grace. Ameen xxx

  2. taz says:

    Take it easy.
    Work with your situation. You are not at fault for feeling how you do.
    Take care x x x x

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